Words Fail

 We've been home on the ranch almost 11 days and now it is time to head south.  I feel  wordless and empty of any blogging material. How did I ever keep this this blog going? 

 Time home was wonderful though.

 Bouncing Betty ( our Dodge truck ) was back in business after getting a re-built engine.  OUCH, that bill sure hurt.

 I just love these shadow shots, randomly inserted into my posts.  Like I said, I really don't have anything to say. 

We fed cows and I tried to make sure that they were all accounted for.

 
Macho helped.

The cherry tree is making buds.  Exciting stuff.  I planted more roses and lavender for spring.  And dug up weeds.  Lots more of those to go.

I loved on and rode on my horses. 

 And spent way too much time working on paper work and taxes.

We head south again and are hopeful that we will be spending less time with my folks.  They are doing well and the help that was hired is working out.  Taking care of one's parents is a new and life altering experience.  We started out full of vision and yes, a little pride, that we could do this for them, but have discovered that we had a lot to learn.  It is often easy to help someone who appreciates it, but much more difficult when your help is not.  But I think the help, the love is still valuable.  For love does cover a multitude of sins. 

A Week in Pictures and a few words....

 My dad has recovered. He is now officially discharged from hospice.  Never heard of that before. Hospice told him that they originally thought he had weeks left to live, now they might give him years. Miraculous.   My mom's mental condition continues to deteriorate unfortunately.  For 3 months she was on an Alzheimer drug and we didn't see any real improvement.  We did see high blood pressure and ugly aggression, so we pulled her off of them a week ago.  Thankfully she is sweet again.  Sweet and forgetful we can handle, the mean and ugly we would rather forget. We aren't sure how long we will continue to live with them as we are in the process of trying to assess their needs and hire help.  My dad would like to stay in his home through summer, so my mom can grow a garden one more time.  

Had a lovely week's vacation at home, even if I was sick!  Mark was able to work on some corrals, prune the orchard and grapes  and feed cattle.  I drove the kubota and rode a horse around the ranch making sure all the cattle were accounted for; a roll call of sorts.  I got Molly back from the trainer and was so impressed I sent Belle,  my paint mare, back home with her.  I have never used a professional trainer before, now I see how valuable they can be.  Thanks again April Moore.

 

Simple Serenity

Molly's Makeover

Stormy

Molly

I decided to invest the money I received from selling Stormy, who has bad arthritis,  to getting some training for Molly;  the ex brood mare, toss Mark in the ditch horse.   It might be throwing money away, but I wanted to give her a decent shot at being a good horse. She is not very pretty, but I rode her quite a bit this summer and she has a delightful way of moving and an innate lightness.  A real joy to ride.  She does have a couple of hangups though.  One being herd bound.  For a while I had a very difficult time getting her to leave her friends, but she has improved a lot in this area and I know she can overcome this.  Her big hangup though is trailering.  I fed her in the trailer for a month this summer and she would enter and eat, but I never felt confident that I could load her and I was afraid of getting hurt, so I never attempted loading.  Molly had some bad experiences in the trailer before us and has a real phobia.  I am hoping the trainer can help her get over this.  We will see.  It took her (the trainer is an awesome young lady) an hour and half to load her today.  I was amazed at the trainer's calm and patience.  Poor Molly has met her match in stubbornness I think.    

Watching Molly fear today made me think  of my own hangups.  The things that I avoid because I get a cold sweat and my heart races.  Should I avoid them, or should I force my way through, like Molly had to do?  My hangups limit me, but sometimes I think it is OK to have acceptance and give myself  a little grace.  Or at least have a little tranquilizer to take.   I had to do that for a while for flying and going to the dentist.  Eventually I overcame both ridiculous fears.  Of course there are other fears that are realistic ones.  Fear is there to protect us from danger and  to dismiss it would be foolhardy.  It is just difficult sometimes sorting out between the two.

Squash Anyone?

 I missed harvest.  It made me cry a little, but I was happy to be able to go out and gather the winter squash and I even found a couple of eggplants and some peppers.  We have a lot more cleaning to ready the garden for winter, but we got a good start on it today. 

 I missed all of the pears as well, but there are a few apples left.  These little tiny apples taste wonderful, and thier size is just right for a quick bite or two. 

I mostly have been trying to spend my time with the horses, cleaning them up and riding.  Being away from them for almost 3 months has made me realize what a horse gal I am.  It is interesting how I am so much more decisive about what I like and don't like.  I am beginning to realize how fleeting life is and how important it is to enjoy today the best that you can.  Even if that means pausing a time or two for a big cry.

I need a few more big cries before we head south, as I realize that I have been repressing emotions for a while now.  As I am an emotional girl,  my vessel is plumb full needs to drain. The horses and the plants don't seem to mind.

Mama's Home

It warmed my heart seeing the horses run to me and, for the record, I didn't even have hay.  We are back on the ranch ranch for a few days of R&R. While it isn't physically hard caring for my parents, it is restricting and draining, and I was getting very emotional and neurotic. Our oldest son volunteered  took  to fill in for us and, by all accounts, is doing a great job. It relieves my mind knowing that we now have a back up caretaker.

The weather and beauty of these Humboldt hills are a blessing and I have been spending my time enjoying the view from my living room window and also from the back of a horse.

Give Thanks

Recently, some friends here in our old hometown had their house burn down.  To the ground.  So many things are just things and can be replaced or just done without.  But other family heirlooms passed down from one generation to the next flew into the heavens never to be seen again.  Gone.  It is hard to see such loss.

It is easy when one is young to think that this or that makes one a success or one's life worth living.  But as we age we find that our thinking changes.  Sometimes daily.  Life is worth living when we live it; with our eyes and hearts open. 

This Thanksgiving Day, transcend your limitations, your problems, your aches and pains, lay aside all of your wants and give thanks.  You are alive and you are known by a creator God who wants to commune with you.

  Longing for Humboldt, but enjoying the view here too.

Another Week Away

It is easy to do the right thing when one feels noble and proud, it is harder when time goes by and you begin to feel the cold, wet, dirt of the trenches.  I am sure many men who enlisted felt the same way.  I feel a bit like that now.

My dad was drafted half way through his senior year of high school because he had enough credits to graduate.  He left behind his home, his baseball team and probably a sweet heart or two.  The army trained him to be small arms mechanic and when he arrived in Germany right after the war ended, there wasn't much need for gun repair, so they slapped some sergeant stripes on him and made him in charge of the motor pool.  He said it was a pretty easy gig.  He has lots of fun stories, but he said nothing can erase the smell from the concentration camps or the blank looks on peoples faces.

Here is a photo of him right before he left the States.  What youth.  Now he sits quietly at 84, unable to walk or talk much, even though his mind is still sharp.  A whole lifetime between that photo and now and he has no real regrets or apologies to make because he always lived very ethically and yet he still wonders where he will end up after he dies, or will he end up anywhere at all.

Unlike me, my dad is an agnostic. He was raised Baptist, but was blinded by all the hypocrisy.   Growing up he always said I could believe in whatever I wanted, so I went around town visiting all my friend's churches.  I prayed nightly.  For a time, in Jr. High,  I connected to my mom's heritage and went to the Catholic Church.  It was during this time, sitting all alone in a church full of people, that my faith started to grow.  I lit candles and prayed for a dying uncle, I believed.  God was close.  Later, as a young parent I went to a Lutheran church, and still later to a non denominational church.  Now, I don't attend church as regularly, but Jesus is still close.  His hand never lets me go.

I ask my dad how it feels to enter the shadow of death without faith in something Higher.  I know I couldn't do it.

This post was supposed to be about missing the ranch, which I do,  but it surprised me and went somewhere else. Instead of fixing it and changing it and re-titling it, I think I will just publish.